Haha. Marie, the 8-year-old I nanny, got in a fight with her parents tonight and was sent to her room. When I went up to check on her, she had packed up most of the contents of her room into a suitcase and said she was running away. I tried not to giggle as I explained to her she wasn't allowed to run away to the Leyden's house like she wanted to...I did tell her we could have girl time anytime she needed me. So if I get a call from a distressed second grader, I know who it is:)

I wish I could have my skinny legs back..without the whole starving bit.
Actually I wish I didn't like food so much.
Or maybe I wish I didn't care so much.

Rich people and their lives are very...tiring.
I am afraid I have been spending a bit too much time envying lately.ew.

In case you needed a reminder tonight was it. I'm a jerk. I tell you I will hang out, then crawl in to bed and turn the lights off. The truth is I am apathetic. I just don't care, and I am waiting for someone who makes me care.

I smell summer

Bit of a rough couple weeks. School is crazy. Work is crazy. Life is crazy.
Car needs a grand of fixing- Damnit Mimi why you gotta keep breaking on me?!
Someone stole my wallet last night because and was drunk and dumb and forgot it. (Not even saying where...ever) It's not even so much that I have to cancel my card and go to the DMV- it actually isn't that big of a deal. It's just that gut wrenching feeling you get when you hear that your card's been used. I always try so hard to see the good in people, and it just bums me out when people so often prove me wrong...why does no one do the right thing anymore? come on people.

Well I know I can handle this. I am blessed to have a family that cares so much about me ad is helping with everything. Back then something like this would have been too much for me too handle, would have thrown me into a spiral. But not now. Now that I am balanced. Happy. Now that I remember that God's always there. Life is a lot less scary with Him around. plain and simple. So instead of retreating or feeling defeated I will meet this challenge life has thrown at me head on. I'll pray for the strength and I will make it.

So finals, get ready to be made my bitch.
Person who stole my wallet, I will pray for you.
Kate, get ready to work your booty off to pay for Mimi's sickness

It's gonna be ok. Summer is almost here, and I am getting a dog friend.

Kiddos

Geeze I love those kids.
I was having a horrible day, feeling sick and generally frumpy.
Got to my kiddo's house. Had some time alone with Annie and got to talk sports sports sports. That girl is awesome at every sport, and I LOVE what a tom boy she is!
Then Jimmy man had a slight meltdown because he wanted to play wii, and because he didn't want to eat his bannana (Completely understandable right?!) He was so grumpy so I just picked hi up and tickled him till he was happy, then he got a tubby- his favortie thing ever.

ok, yes I realize no one but me cares about any of this but it just amazes me how much I love them. Granted I know it's easy to love them when I don't have to deal with whiny kids all day, but even when they are whiny or so something wrong, I can't stop loving them. Eek I can't wait to have kids. Ok edit that. I want a good job, my best man friend/love, and I want to be able to give my kiddos the world first. Dog first. Human later.

Yes, I still want to be a powerful journalist. Yes I want to be extremely educated and succesful. But I now also want to be mommy. I want to love someone else more than I could ever love myself, more than I ever thought possible.
Someday I hope to understand the way my mother feels.

Either you are an idiot, or I don't know how to effectively execute a booty call.
Ha. Bad idea anyway.

I am going to ask the landlord if I can get a dog. I am so nervous I want to throw up. I am so ready for a furry friend.

I want to find MY happy.
I want to run.

It's all false love and affection.

You don't want me, you just want the attention.

Life is busy, and hard, and honestly I'm worn out.
I think that's why I play with the idea of you.

Honestly, I know it wouldn't work. Couldn't work. But you know me. No, you knew me. And I just want to sleep in your bed again.

Uncool

Yes, part of me wants to be "cool" again. To do the things I know you like to do. To be just like you. and you.

But I'm too set on this. I like this person I see in the mirror. Now that I know what's out there, it's hard to go back and settle for that life.

So for now, the assurance that I am moving forward, while you are standing still is enough for me to deal with being "uncool."

"Who put such a high premium on being typical?"

When I walk Scouty, and we walk by a stranger, she gets so excited and runs up to them like she has never been so happy to see someone before.

I think people should be more like Scouty the dog.

Today I will love someone who does not deserve it.

Life Update.

Midterms are done, and I am quite exhausted. But I think I did very well so that makes up for the late nights and early mornings:)

So lately I have realized how much I thrive off of professors' praise. I love writing, and I know I am good at it. I pretend to be modest about it, but the truth is, I absolutely love when my paper is used for an example in class, or when my prof asks me to help someone else in class.

I don't have any specific plan for the future, but I know that I want to incorporate education in my life for as long as I can. I am already dreaming of Grad School, and then who knows...It is is all just so terribly exciting!

Nannying is going wonderfully too. And the extra money is a nice perk too:) I love the kiddos, and as much as I love my ultra feminist heart, I must admit that I do enjoy nurturing my maternal side:) I love tucking the kids into bed, reading them stories, and getting those great big hugs. The house I nanny at is absolute gorgeous, and I love cleaning the fabulous kitchen, and secretly pretending that it's mine:) My profesor (who I nanny for) is a great professional and personal contact. I really look up to her, and I am excited for her avdvice and guidance in my future career endeavors. She also is astoundingly fit, and I've been telling her to help me train for a marathon like she does.

Boy situation is..uncertain...but honestly it's just not a huge priority right now. I have convined myself that someday I will look back on this silliness and laugh because it will finally all make sense, and I will be with the one who makes sense.

Dating you know who is kinda like dating a rock....a really nice rock...but I want a real person. He is just so...easy. He is there when I want, gone when I want. We don't talk often. He is kinda just...there. I mean this situation is a lot better than dating some big party boy who puts me under his silly spell and makes me forget about school, but sometime I just wish this one showed more heart.

On another note. I miss my mom. Vegas was a month ago, and I desperately just want one night of hanging out in the living room with the doggies all around, gossiping about boys and baking cookies. I am going to make it happen this week. I am so lucky to have that place I can go when I just need a little boost. I just need a little visit HOME.

Ok, life update complete. I am happy. I am balanced. I am grateful.

First of many cups of coffee tonight.

Midterms tomorrow.
I love school. Like a lot.

Prioritizing.

Ok ok so my birthday actually turned out to be quite lovely. I was having a freak out moment, but I recovered...AND my 22nd birthday marks the first one in history that I did not break down into tears! Woohoo! Well, actually I did cry, but only tears of laughter. A girl wearing ridiculous boots completely ate it at the restaurant, and Zach and I could not contain ourselves. At first we just glanced at eachother and giggled, but soon I was crying from laughter and Zach was doing his dorky laugh he does where he gasps for air!

In other news- this whole 2 jobs and kicking butt in school is going to be a little harder than I imagined. Ijust hope I don't have a Kate meltdown:) I can do this. I think.

Mom will be here in an hour. I miss here. I miss home. I am in desperate need of a visit.

Ok off to study. Midterms please be over.

Oh yeah and operation lose 8 lbs starts today. So here are the things I need to balane in my life:

- School
- Studying
- Urban
- Nannying
- work out schedule
- Silly extreme kate diet. ugh.
- friends
- boy?
- family
- sleeeep.

(Not in priority order)

Ok. I can dooooo thissss. eeek.

Dear Birthday,
Please be over.
Kate.

I am not angsty enough to produce passionate writing anymore. It seems like my best writing comes when I am in dark places. But these days I am happy. I just want to write about puppies and raninbows and butterflies. ok so maybe not thaaaat happy. But still, life is good. After that dark place, I think my standards for happiness may have lowered. And that is a good thing. Life doesn't always have to be perfect in order to be happy. These days I can wake up, be excited for the day, see my wonderful friends, feel the sunshine on my face, and smile. Because I am happy. But you already knew this.

So here is some good writing. from my real journal. from long ago.

You make me ache

I am always aching.
When I sleep, when I wake
When I take a single breath
You make me ache.

For your face. Your eyes. Your hands.
For that dark room, those cool sheets, and
two pairs of cold, bare feet.
You make me ache.

For that look. That quiet caress.
The passionate screams just underneath the silence.
Those moments that define our being.
I ache.

Your voice with its boyish twang
That resonates with tales of growing up
Those eyes that see the world in all
its glory and also at its darkest
I ache for you.

So whisper those words to me once more
So I can wear them like an invisible crown
Let me feel you against my skin
So I may remember that this is real
And I will ache.

[Pretty good for some really awkward, awful first time sex. Everything the first time should be]

Some people say, when you're only 17 you can't really be in love.
But sometimse I think that's the only time you can be in love.

Please

I don't think I get to be jealous when I am the one who pushes everyone away.
(But sometimes, just sometimes, I still am.)

It is childish, this I know. But it's a hard pill to swallow. I'm really replaceable? (Of course I am.)

I know it might be asking a lot, but could you please just pine over me like you used to? Could you only think of me and not other girls? Could you still think that I am the catch you want? Not her but me?

Yes, yes, I know I am foolish. But a girl can wish right:)

Gonna love you with my life.

When I made up my mind, and my heart along with that to live not for myself , but yet for God, somebody said, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

When I finally ironed out all of my priorities and asked God to remove the doubt that makes me so unsure of these things I ask myself, Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into you, because you got to me in a way words can't describe.
I'm getting in you, because I've got to be- you're essential to survive.
I'm gonna love you with my life.


I've been a liar and I'll never amount to the kind of person you deserve to worship you. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

The amount of effort it is taking me right not to not take off this dress and my tights, put on my pajamas, and curl up in bed with my Media Law book is quite astounding...

I should go out..right? I mean, I want to go out...or I did at 2:00 this afternoon when I was sitting in school...

"Are you going to Noah's bday thing?" "Uhhh...."
Actually, I don't even talk to that silly anymore, and I am quite happy about that...

"The truth is...I can't be with you...right now." ahahaha. How I Met your Mother said it best.

Got a call from the J. Don't you know that Fuck off means Fuck off?

I am sleepy...

Hey you, Happy Birthday...and Fuck you.

Not that it is a contest, but if it were, I totally won.
and I am done giving you my pity friendship.
Because frankly, I could care less.