And it makes me smile....

Last night after work, driving home in the huge falling snowflakes and listening to the Police full blast, I found myself smiling.

And today, I am going to smile again.

We walked the earth
We talked and never spoke a word
She wonders who'll be the first to go

I said, "You know, The biggest things we gotta face alone."

The consequences.

I don't feel the bursts of overwhelming sadness as much anymore.
But those moments of real happiness are gone too.

Oatmeal

This morning as I made my oatmeal and coffee, I felt the strangest sense of disappointment as I took that first bite....My dad's oatmeal was better.

As weird as it is to admit, I am kind of missing last week and the strange ritual my dad, grandma, and I had in California. Oatmeal and coffee. every morning. Then we'd sit in the kitchen and look at the newspaper and plan our day. No work or school or apartment to worry about. I could even pretend that I would never have to go back to that life. For 1 week I was able to leave those burdens a 2 hr plane ride away.

Things are better with my dad. I gained a sense of understanding as to why he is the way he is after spending the week with his mother.
He gave me a picture of my mother when she was in college, and that meant a lot to me.

I don't have any expectations as to what my relationship with my father should look like. I am not looking for a father, but I am open to some kind of friendship I suppose.


On a lighter note, Alx chopped my air off last night. I like it. New hair. New plans.

Romeo and Juliet.

I just found out that you are kissing her.
And she does really like you, I think.

I thought I would be upset. For all this time, there has been no other girl. And even though we haved moved on, a small part of me liked that.

And while it is a little strange, I am also oddly happy for you. I think this means that I really do care about you, and we are gonna be friends for the long run.

My mom and I were talking about you, and she said she remembered the time I got back from Florida and you drove over to my house in that horrible snow storm, just to be there when I got back. She said I ran to the front door and hugged you and that you liftted me in the air and twirled me around.(Of course then we had to dig your car out of the snowbank! haha:) All I can say is that first loves are real.

We were meant to be first loves. Not forever loves. and that is perfeclty ok.

So I guess I just want to thank you for being my first love. It was everything it should have been. Exciting. Perfect. Hurtful. Awful. Strange. Wonderful. Real.

And honestly, I hope you find your holy grail.

Going Back.

A little time away might do me some good.
Just a chance to breathe.
To remember what it feels like to smile and mean it.

[Perhaps this visit to Monterey will get that bitter taste of Southern California out of my mouth- Wounds heal, but the scars remain.]

Goodbye Colorado. Goodbye Snow and cold.

Text from my brother: "you know I love you right?"

Mom must have talked to him.

I know my family is worried. I find myself isolating myself from them. I don't want to put this burden on them.

I called my mom from the bathroom at work. I was sobbing. sick. Terrified.
I need to stop letting my fingers dial that comforting number. I know it kills her to know that I'm going through this, and there is nothing she can do. I know she just wishes she could scoop me up, dry my eyes, and put a band-aid on my wound...I sort of wish she could too. But I'm afraid these wounds are little too deep, and no quick fix will heal them.

I'm hanging by a thread.

Sleep no longer comes for me.
When the world is quiet and everything still,
I am at my worst.
I hear too much in the silence.

I put on a pretty dress.
And I fell asleep in my bed.

Picking up the pieces.

Today is Ocotber first. I always love the first of the month. It would be even better if it were a Sunday. The OCD in me is all about fresh beginings that start on Sundays or the first of the month.

I feel like my life is one huge puzzle that recently was dropped. And now all the pieces are just scattered on the floor, and I have to put them all together again. You see, the pieces are all there, but I just have to find where they fit again. Perhaps some of the pieces have even become obsolete, and I have to figure out what to do with those too.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. That part of me just wishes I could have stayed under those covers in my tiny twin bed in my old room in my old house in that quiet, sweet little town. But with the the small sliver of strength left in me, I sat up, put one foot on the floor, and then the other. And I left my refuge of blankets and memories.One foot at a time. One day. One hour. One minute. One second then the next.

This is all that I have to go on, and for now this is enough.