Today I will love someone who does not deserve it.

Life Update.

Midterms are done, and I am quite exhausted. But I think I did very well so that makes up for the late nights and early mornings:)

So lately I have realized how much I thrive off of professors' praise. I love writing, and I know I am good at it. I pretend to be modest about it, but the truth is, I absolutely love when my paper is used for an example in class, or when my prof asks me to help someone else in class.

I don't have any specific plan for the future, but I know that I want to incorporate education in my life for as long as I can. I am already dreaming of Grad School, and then who knows...It is is all just so terribly exciting!

Nannying is going wonderfully too. And the extra money is a nice perk too:) I love the kiddos, and as much as I love my ultra feminist heart, I must admit that I do enjoy nurturing my maternal side:) I love tucking the kids into bed, reading them stories, and getting those great big hugs. The house I nanny at is absolute gorgeous, and I love cleaning the fabulous kitchen, and secretly pretending that it's mine:) My profesor (who I nanny for) is a great professional and personal contact. I really look up to her, and I am excited for her avdvice and guidance in my future career endeavors. She also is astoundingly fit, and I've been telling her to help me train for a marathon like she does.

Boy situation is..uncertain...but honestly it's just not a huge priority right now. I have convined myself that someday I will look back on this silliness and laugh because it will finally all make sense, and I will be with the one who makes sense.

Dating you know who is kinda like dating a rock....a really nice rock...but I want a real person. He is just so...easy. He is there when I want, gone when I want. We don't talk often. He is kinda just...there. I mean this situation is a lot better than dating some big party boy who puts me under his silly spell and makes me forget about school, but sometime I just wish this one showed more heart.

On another note. I miss my mom. Vegas was a month ago, and I desperately just want one night of hanging out in the living room with the doggies all around, gossiping about boys and baking cookies. I am going to make it happen this week. I am so lucky to have that place I can go when I just need a little boost. I just need a little visit HOME.

Ok, life update complete. I am happy. I am balanced. I am grateful.

First of many cups of coffee tonight.

Midterms tomorrow.
I love school. Like a lot.

Prioritizing.

Ok ok so my birthday actually turned out to be quite lovely. I was having a freak out moment, but I recovered...AND my 22nd birthday marks the first one in history that I did not break down into tears! Woohoo! Well, actually I did cry, but only tears of laughter. A girl wearing ridiculous boots completely ate it at the restaurant, and Zach and I could not contain ourselves. At first we just glanced at eachother and giggled, but soon I was crying from laughter and Zach was doing his dorky laugh he does where he gasps for air!

In other news- this whole 2 jobs and kicking butt in school is going to be a little harder than I imagined. Ijust hope I don't have a Kate meltdown:) I can do this. I think.

Mom will be here in an hour. I miss here. I miss home. I am in desperate need of a visit.

Ok off to study. Midterms please be over.

Oh yeah and operation lose 8 lbs starts today. So here are the things I need to balane in my life:

- School
- Studying
- Urban
- Nannying
- work out schedule
- Silly extreme kate diet. ugh.
- friends
- boy?
- family
- sleeeep.

(Not in priority order)

Ok. I can dooooo thissss. eeek.

Dear Birthday,
Please be over.
Kate.

I am not angsty enough to produce passionate writing anymore. It seems like my best writing comes when I am in dark places. But these days I am happy. I just want to write about puppies and raninbows and butterflies. ok so maybe not thaaaat happy. But still, life is good. After that dark place, I think my standards for happiness may have lowered. And that is a good thing. Life doesn't always have to be perfect in order to be happy. These days I can wake up, be excited for the day, see my wonderful friends, feel the sunshine on my face, and smile. Because I am happy. But you already knew this.

So here is some good writing. from my real journal. from long ago.

You make me ache

I am always aching.
When I sleep, when I wake
When I take a single breath
You make me ache.

For your face. Your eyes. Your hands.
For that dark room, those cool sheets, and
two pairs of cold, bare feet.
You make me ache.

For that look. That quiet caress.
The passionate screams just underneath the silence.
Those moments that define our being.
I ache.

Your voice with its boyish twang
That resonates with tales of growing up
Those eyes that see the world in all
its glory and also at its darkest
I ache for you.

So whisper those words to me once more
So I can wear them like an invisible crown
Let me feel you against my skin
So I may remember that this is real
And I will ache.

[Pretty good for some really awkward, awful first time sex. Everything the first time should be]

Some people say, when you're only 17 you can't really be in love.
But sometimse I think that's the only time you can be in love.

Please

I don't think I get to be jealous when I am the one who pushes everyone away.
(But sometimes, just sometimes, I still am.)

It is childish, this I know. But it's a hard pill to swallow. I'm really replaceable? (Of course I am.)

I know it might be asking a lot, but could you please just pine over me like you used to? Could you only think of me and not other girls? Could you still think that I am the catch you want? Not her but me?

Yes, yes, I know I am foolish. But a girl can wish right:)

Gonna love you with my life.

When I made up my mind, and my heart along with that to live not for myself , but yet for God, somebody said, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

When I finally ironed out all of my priorities and asked God to remove the doubt that makes me so unsure of these things I ask myself, Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into you, because you got to me in a way words can't describe.
I'm getting in you, because I've got to be- you're essential to survive.
I'm gonna love you with my life.


I've been a liar and I'll never amount to the kind of person you deserve to worship you. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

The amount of effort it is taking me right not to not take off this dress and my tights, put on my pajamas, and curl up in bed with my Media Law book is quite astounding...

I should go out..right? I mean, I want to go out...or I did at 2:00 this afternoon when I was sitting in school...

"Are you going to Noah's bday thing?" "Uhhh...."
Actually, I don't even talk to that silly anymore, and I am quite happy about that...

"The truth is...I can't be with you...right now." ahahaha. How I Met your Mother said it best.

Got a call from the J. Don't you know that Fuck off means Fuck off?

I am sleepy...