Lead me home.

Eeek! Almost Christmas! Wrapped presents today (horribly I might add) and watched Polar Express! Can't wait to see Mo and Sadie and Steph and Katie and Monica and Michael and Tanner! And my fabulous date,John John:)
Time to go to work and close- boo. But I don't even care! I am gonna be so stinkin nice to every grumpy customer! Because Christmas is about so much more than buying silly crap at Urban, but that part is fun too!

I think your love is gonna lead me home.

Serenity

You know, my life is not perfect right now- far from it, in fact. But I am oddly at peace. A peace I have been searching for for a long time. I like that I can finally breathe without feeling the hurt deep inside my lungs. I like that I can smile and mean it.

Good to be back.

"Goodnight duuude."
"Shut up."
"It's good to have you back."
"Shut up." (I love you)

My brother is better than yours.

This is happiness

To whom it may concern.

At approximately 4:00a.m on December 13, 2009, I came to my senses.

Love.

"'If I weren't so damn attracted to him, maybe I would leave.' And this is true. But I don't tell her the real problem. There's something deeply wrong with me if I'm so attracted to someone who can't have a relationship, someone who can't love me, who can't even love himself. I've learned at this point there's no shot I can receive, no pill I can take, no therapy I can be a part of that will give me the resolve to do the things I need to do to be loved. It's a choice. A simple choice. I say I want intimacy. I say I want to be loved. But really, I'm petrified. The straight truth is, I don't know if I have it in me, and I'm scared to find out that I can't."

[I'm not good at this]
[At what?]
[At having a real relationship. I get jumpy...Im afraid I might freak out. Do something stupid... I may fuck up this whole thing.]

"I close my eyes and listen to him breathing. How lovely that sound is. Maybe, I think, I don't have to be great at this;maybe I just have to be good enough."

For Caroline.

I cannot stop thinking about Caroline. I hadn't even seen her since I went to Loveland High, but the news still shook me to the core.

I was always quite miserable at Loveland High, surrounded by all the silly plastic girls and dumb jock boys, but I always remember being able to look at Caroline and see in her eyes that she kinda understood. That she had a little misery inside too. She was one of the the few people I knew there that was real. Even if that meant not plastering on a fake smile and and an even faker tan.

I guess it's also scary to know that someone who on the surface seems so put together can be hurting so badly inside. I cannot fathom what was eating away at that beautiful dear girl so much that she had to end it all. I wish she could have heard the words, "me too." I wish I could have sat with her and held her and cried with her. I wish I could have swallowed up just little of her pain.

So Caroline, I truly hope you have found peace. It's what we are all looking for in this life, and I know that life can be awful and cruel and unfair. Know that you affected me even so many years ago. Know I understand and that you've given me strength to get through the bad days. Thank you.

"We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace."

Thank you

Just a moment of true gratefulness.
I have such good friends and family that never leave my side.
I am finally feeling hopefull again and I couldn't have gotten to this point without them.

Life is about people. We are such amazing creatures capable of so much good. Life can be overwhelmingly challenging and scary, but we all share in this experience that is being human.

Thank you just doesn't seem like enough.

Please just...

Simple Life.

Move on, move on, time is accelerating
Drive on, all night, traffic lights and one ways
Move on, move on parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air, let's stay here

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name, and every star at night
We'll weave our days together like waves, and particles of light

I want to live this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

Interweb Inspiration

Off to EDCD.
praying for some relief.



"You have avoided action by telling yourself why you can't or why you won't. Now use that same power to tell yourself why you can & why you will."

(love this quote. Don't love that I found it on Amanda Byne's twitter page:)Ugh, I need to get my life back. I think my brain is melting from the interweb.)

Transformers?

This is getting quite ridiculous to say the least.
I have not fallen asleep before 5 am for the past week.
I have been having the strangiest/silliest dreams too.

Last night I had a dream worthy of a 10 year old boy who sleeps in a race car bed and watches saturday morning cartoons.

In my dream these weird Transformers type robot things took over the city and were killing people left and right. My companion and I (I really wish I could remember who was with me!) kept trying to "defeat" them with these light sabers that I just happend to have lying around (haha) but nothing could stop those damn things! So most of my dream was just me hiding under a bed hoping these robots wouldn't see me and occasionally trying to light saber them but failing each time. I think eventually in a moment of lucidity from my silly dream I must have decided that I could change my dream because, damnit it was MY dream. So I promptly dreamed that we discovered the robots' weakness and were able to defeat them finally!

Silly dream, yes. Symbolic? Perhaps.

I feel like I am fighting my own stupid Transformers robot right now. And it is winning. I give the occasional stab at defeating it, but mostly I just hide under the bed. I really do want to deafeat this. I want my life back. I want to come out from under the bed. I want to tell that robot who's boss. But mostly I just want to be happy again.

It's all happening now.
And I guess it really needs to.
But it still doesn't make it any easier.

Cuz you are beautiful

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did I that day

All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more

And it makes me smile....

Last night after work, driving home in the huge falling snowflakes and listening to the Police full blast, I found myself smiling.

And today, I am going to smile again.

We walked the earth
We talked and never spoke a word
She wonders who'll be the first to go

I said, "You know, The biggest things we gotta face alone."

The consequences.

I don't feel the bursts of overwhelming sadness as much anymore.
But those moments of real happiness are gone too.

Oatmeal

This morning as I made my oatmeal and coffee, I felt the strangest sense of disappointment as I took that first bite....My dad's oatmeal was better.

As weird as it is to admit, I am kind of missing last week and the strange ritual my dad, grandma, and I had in California. Oatmeal and coffee. every morning. Then we'd sit in the kitchen and look at the newspaper and plan our day. No work or school or apartment to worry about. I could even pretend that I would never have to go back to that life. For 1 week I was able to leave those burdens a 2 hr plane ride away.

Things are better with my dad. I gained a sense of understanding as to why he is the way he is after spending the week with his mother.
He gave me a picture of my mother when she was in college, and that meant a lot to me.

I don't have any expectations as to what my relationship with my father should look like. I am not looking for a father, but I am open to some kind of friendship I suppose.


On a lighter note, Alx chopped my air off last night. I like it. New hair. New plans.

Romeo and Juliet.

I just found out that you are kissing her.
And she does really like you, I think.

I thought I would be upset. For all this time, there has been no other girl. And even though we haved moved on, a small part of me liked that.

And while it is a little strange, I am also oddly happy for you. I think this means that I really do care about you, and we are gonna be friends for the long run.

My mom and I were talking about you, and she said she remembered the time I got back from Florida and you drove over to my house in that horrible snow storm, just to be there when I got back. She said I ran to the front door and hugged you and that you liftted me in the air and twirled me around.(Of course then we had to dig your car out of the snowbank! haha:) All I can say is that first loves are real.

We were meant to be first loves. Not forever loves. and that is perfeclty ok.

So I guess I just want to thank you for being my first love. It was everything it should have been. Exciting. Perfect. Hurtful. Awful. Strange. Wonderful. Real.

And honestly, I hope you find your holy grail.

Going Back.

A little time away might do me some good.
Just a chance to breathe.
To remember what it feels like to smile and mean it.

[Perhaps this visit to Monterey will get that bitter taste of Southern California out of my mouth- Wounds heal, but the scars remain.]

Goodbye Colorado. Goodbye Snow and cold.

Text from my brother: "you know I love you right?"

Mom must have talked to him.

I know my family is worried. I find myself isolating myself from them. I don't want to put this burden on them.

I called my mom from the bathroom at work. I was sobbing. sick. Terrified.
I need to stop letting my fingers dial that comforting number. I know it kills her to know that I'm going through this, and there is nothing she can do. I know she just wishes she could scoop me up, dry my eyes, and put a band-aid on my wound...I sort of wish she could too. But I'm afraid these wounds are little too deep, and no quick fix will heal them.

I'm hanging by a thread.

Sleep no longer comes for me.
When the world is quiet and everything still,
I am at my worst.
I hear too much in the silence.

I put on a pretty dress.
And I fell asleep in my bed.

Picking up the pieces.

Today is Ocotber first. I always love the first of the month. It would be even better if it were a Sunday. The OCD in me is all about fresh beginings that start on Sundays or the first of the month.

I feel like my life is one huge puzzle that recently was dropped. And now all the pieces are just scattered on the floor, and I have to put them all together again. You see, the pieces are all there, but I just have to find where they fit again. Perhaps some of the pieces have even become obsolete, and I have to figure out what to do with those too.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. That part of me just wishes I could have stayed under those covers in my tiny twin bed in my old room in my old house in that quiet, sweet little town. But with the the small sliver of strength left in me, I sat up, put one foot on the floor, and then the other. And I left my refuge of blankets and memories.One foot at a time. One day. One hour. One minute. One second then the next.

This is all that I have to go on, and for now this is enough.

To Do List.

1. Get Up
2. Survive.
3. Go back to bed.

["I felt the foundation begin to shake, and in my head I said, Run. But I couldn't run. Not from this place that had taken me three years to build. I held the cloth and let everything fall on top of me. My knees buckled, I went down to the floor. I cried in English, I cried in French, I cried in all the languages, because tears are the same all around the world. Esperanto."]

This just in...

I don't give a fuck.

The Next Generation

My life as of late consists of crying on the couch, while watching emotionally charged episodes of Degrassi.

Sometimes your 20's just plain suck.

Does he think we're hookers? No- we're wearing cardigans!

Forgot how much I miss those girls, how nice it is to have those conversations where none of us ever finishes our sentences because there is no need to...we understand eachother so well that we already know what each person is gettting at.

Sometimes it is good to be surrounded by those people who remind you of who you were, and who you are today.

My girls saved me tonight, like they have before, and like they will again.

Holding out hope.

Strip away the layers and reveal your soul.
You've got to give yourself up, and then you become whole.

Price Check!

I think the Wal-mart on Quebec on a Saturday afternoon may be the single most stressful, anxiety- creating, all around yucky place on Earth.

I hate grocery shopping.
This is why I survive off of things that come in wrappers.

Hmph.

"I mean if you're able to go into a collapse with all your might, why can't you use the same energy to stay well and busy?"

ugh.

I though it had passed. I was waking up more hopeful. I was sleeping through the night. I was making an effort.

There are some mornings when I wake up feeling like I might actually have the strength to make it through the day. Then there are mornings where I barely have the strength to make it out of the bed.

I am looking for consistency.

To:Jesse James

262 Estes Park Road
Loveland, Colorado
Feb 14, 1966

Dear Jesse James,
I have watched your show. I think it is the best show their is. If you have time, would you please write to me. I've watched every show you've had. Please ask the man that plays Frank to write to me if he has time. If you ever come to my house, to hide from people that may be after you, I would hide you. I hope you will write back. I hope your show will go on for ever. I am a girl, but I act like a boy. I'm going to be just like you.
Love,
Patty Proctor

P.S I think you make a neat Jesse James and I think if you want to come and see me we could make room.

[This was written by my mother when she was 11 years old. She was writing to the actor who played Jesse James, a notorious American outlaw who robbed banks and trains. I can just picture my mother's 11 year old self lying on the floor, feverishly writing away to this outlaw, inviting him to come stay at her house:) I especially love the part when she informs him that she is a girl but she acts like a boy!]

I have been looking through my mother's childhood photo albums and baby books lately. It is fascinating to see the pictures and watch my mother transform into the beautiful, strong woman she is today.


Our mothers are more than just "moms." Weird huh?
It is strange to think that they were once young like us, once naive, and just as lost and confused as we are now. They did not always hold the role and responsibility as they do now- finders of lost socks, solvers of all problems big and small.

As I have grown older, my relationship with my mom has morphed and changed into something I have grown to cherish.
Sure, during high school we had those rough patches that most mothers and daughters go through, and I still feel guilty for the Hell I know I often put her through, but we survived, even flourished- and now we have made it to this place where we are more than just mother and daughters. We are best friends that can share in the struggle and joy that is being a woman.

I have come to appreciate the advice my mother gives me because I know she was once in my position. She too had heartbreaks, she too learned the hard way, she too felt lost and alone and didn't know how she would make it through. But she did, and she is stronger because of it.

I do not want to be my mother one day. I want to be me....but she has helped shape me into the person that I am today, and the person that I will become. We all have a piece of our mothers inside of us. There is no separation between us and them. They live inside of us.

I am my mother's daughter, and I could not be more grateful.

He's got a huge ego, such a big ego.

" 'God damn it," he said, there are nice things in the world- and I mean nice things. We're all such morons to get so sidetracked. Always, always, always, referring every goddamn thing that happens right back to our lousy little egos."


Ego can be defined as, "the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world."
When I read this, I immediately think of those most egotistical people I have encountered in my life and the toxic nature of those individuals...but then I realize that each of us has the ego in us, and that ego itself is not necessarily some unnatural,evil device. Yet, while one's realization and acknowledgment of "self" is crucial to grasping some sort of understanding as to who we are in this vast world, what is at our core, there is also a very dividing, separate nature that comes with the ego. Must it always be a contrast between ourselves and others? Is this notion of "us vs. them" really necessary in defining our own existence?

We live in a society of competition. Stay on top or get trampled by the herd. Win...or be the loser. Stand your ground to the point of hostility, or be eaten alive in the rat race to the top. Time moves so quickly these days, if you try to slow down for a minute to catch your breath, you get left in the dust.

I can't help but wonder what an ego-less world might look like. Perhaps without the notion of always having to differentiate ourselves from our "opponents," we might begin to see that we are really more alike than we would like to think. And is that really such a bad thing? Sure we have all been raised with the mantras " you're special; you're unique," But there is some sense of comfort and empathy in the realization that we all share this same plight of simply surviving.

Charles Bukowski writes, "...I feel sorry for us all or glad for us all, caught alive together, and awkward in that way..we should build a great bonfire
we should congratulate ourselves on our endurance...that's lighting enough..."

And I could not agree more. "Me too," really is all it takes to remind us all that we are not alone.

And somehow this make life a little less scary.

An anniversary, a birthday, and an epiphany

Today was good, and I needed it.
A good run
A trip to the mountains.
My favorite people crowded around a bonfire.
Eating delicious food, and not feeling guilty..at least not as much.
Celebrating mommy's birthday
Watching Cam and Julia's Slovakian wedding video.

"Some days, it's like there is a wall between me and everybody else."

But every day, I feel stronger.


[I'll swallow the regret,remember how it felt, and keep going.]

Grown up?

Funny how when we are young, we just want to run away from home and be "grownups."

Now that I am sort of a "grownup," I just want to run home.

Don't be a Boob.

Dear Boobs,
Please stop growing. At first it was fun to actually fill out a bra. But now you are just annoying. Many girls out there would appreciate/flaunt you more than I ever will. So really it's best for both of us if you just go away, and leave me to my A cup, bra-less, carefree self.

Best Regards,
Kate.

59 cents a pound

I like to prowl oridnary places
and taste the people-
from a distance.
I don't want them too near
because that's when attrition
starts..
but in supermarkets
laundromats
cafes
street corners
bus stops
eating places
drug stores
I can look at their bodies
and their faces
and their clothing-
watch the way they walk
or stand
or what they are doing.
I'm like an x-ray machine
I like them like that:
on view.
I imagine the best things
about them.
I imagine them brave and crazy
I imagine them beautiful.

I like to prowl ordinary places.
I feel sorry for us all or glad for us
all
caught alive together
and awkward in that way.

there's nothing better than the joke
of us
the seriousness of us
the dullness of us

buying stockings and carrots and gum
and magazines
buying birth control
candy
hair spray
and toilet paper.

we should build a great bonfire
we should congratulate ourselves on our
endurance

we stand in long lines
we walk about
we wait.

I like to prowl ordinary places
the people explain themselves to me
and I to them

a woman at 3:35 p.m.
weighing purple grapes on a scale
looking at that scale very
seriously
she is dressed in a simple green dress
with a pattern of white flowers
she takes the grapes
puts them carefully into a white paper
bag

that's lightning enough

the generals and the doctors may kill us
but we have
won.

-Bukowski

n-o-p-r-is-o-n-e-r-s.

The most comfortng words in the English language are. "Me too."


[Thank you.]

Michael Jordan quote of the day.

I like Michael Jordan. I like that he is good at basketball. I liked him in Space Jams. I liked him in the Hanes underwear commercials and Saturday Night Live. He is a nice man and a pretty man and he says wise stuff a lot.


I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot... and missed. And I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

- Michael Jordan. (I love you.)

One good day can lead to another.

"I worry about you."
"What do you mean?"
"I worry that you aren't happy. That you're not okay."
"...I'm okay."


[Am I really that obvious?]

Favorite Mistake.

J was my first kiss. We were in 1st grade. During recess we hid behind a bush on the playground, quickly did the daunting deed, then promptly ran away. blushing. giggling. no one knew our secret. I did not tell my mother. I didn't see J much until I transferred to his high school. He was wearing eyeliner. He did not sit at my table. His table was worlds away.


K was my best friend in 4th grade. He lived down the street. He had a sega. and a basement. My mom and His dad became friends. We would go boating. eat dinner together. K was in my class at school. Our classmates told us we were boyfriend girlfriend. Told us we were going to get married...I just wanted to play sonic the hedgehog. One day at recess an impromptu wedding was held on the kickball field. I was 10 years old and betrothed. Later K moved across town. My mom was no longer "friends" with K's dad. We didn't eat dinner together anymore.


Miranda and her brother came to my elementary school in 5th grade. We shared the same bus stop. Their mom worked at Johnson's Corner. World Famous Cinamon rolls. Her brother was a year older. We became "bus friends." We got pink slips together for sticking our legs in the aisle. He was my boyfriend for 2 days. Then my grandma drove me to school.

A asked Aurielle out in middle school. She said no. So he asked me. "I guess." It was settled. We held hands at lunch with the other couples. sweaty palms. looking opposite directions. He gave me a necklace for Valentine's Day. We had our first kiss at the spring dance. Mallory and Nick stood next to us and laughed. They "french kissed." we did not. I do not remember our "breakup." probably in a note.


L was quiet. When he spoke, he was very funny. funny in a way most people didn't get. Funny like you couldn't tell if he was joking, but you laughed nervously anyway. just in case. He reminded me of Jimmy Neutron. He played guitar. He made me nervous. but a good nervous. Every conversation was deep and meaningful. His mother didn't understand him. His father didn't love him. I understood him. But I did not love him. He was the first boy to tell me they loved me. I laughed and told him he didn't. I broke up with L on the phone. My 2 best friends sat with me as I read the list I had prepared with reasons I had to end things. I was transferring high schools and needed a fresh start. We kept in touch. for a while. I heard he got married last summer. She probably said, "I love you too."

The next J was Alex's best friend. Alex dated my best friend, Casey. Casey told J to take me to Homecoming so we could double. One day, I walked into the parking lot and my car was covered in toilet paper. On the window it said, "If you gotta go, you gotta go, and you should go with ME!" I couldn't pass up on good toilet humor, so I said yes.
He brought me a corsage. He shook as he pinned it on my dress. I think he touched my boob on accident. He was nervous. I was nervous.
We began dating soon after the dance. I was infatuated. literally so in love, it hurt. We spent every moment together. He worked at big city burritto. I ate a lot of burritos. I told him my secrets. He told me he loved me. I loved him too.
He was the first boy I let see me cry.
A year and half later. We fought more. We harbored resentment. We became crutches for eachother. We lost our friends. We were no longer kind.
We let the thought of breaking up swirl around in our head. We said it aloud. We broke up.
I was lost.
I went to college. I was depresses. I was lonely. I missed my friends. my home. my mom. him.
My roomates went out. Went to parties. I stayed in my room. Watched cable. counted the seconds until I could drive the 3 hours home.

At semester a new school. That should do the trick. I forced myself to go out. I went to parties. I played the role of college girl. I went on dates. I tried to be normal.
Then he called. I heard his voice. It was the same. I wanted something familiar. I wanted him. But he did not want me. He wanted college. He wanted new friends, new experiences, new drugs, new him. I clung on to the hope that the old J was still in there. He was not.

I moved home. Commuted to school. Appreciated my mother. School. work. home. I needed routine. I needed stability. I needed to let go. But before I could. he called again. We got coffee. I visited him at his new house. He kissed me. I wanted to cry. I thought things would be better.perfect again. But he only wanted me when he wanted me. And that was few and far between. Still I waited. I came when he called. I left when I could tell he was bored. I waited. Until I could't wait any more.
He told me he was afraid of getting back together. We stood on the corner of 13th and Grant and I cried. Cars whizzed by. People cautiously glanced as they walked past. They knew the drill. Young love. heartbreak. It happens every day. It hurt like Hell. I finally let go.


I moved out. Moved to Denver. New city. New job. New school. New friends. New life. I was terrified. But I was happy. I dropped my phone. Got a new phone. Changed my number and deleted his. I felt strong. But I had not dated since high school. I didn't know how to play the game. I didn't want to play the game, to sell myself to someone. Like me like me! that was not for me.

H was a friend of mine at work. He oozed confidence, bordering on narcissism. Sometimes he was just a jerk. He fascinated me. I had never met someone so sure of themselves. I missed the days when I was confident in myself. Love and loss has a way of tearing that from a person. One night he asked me to coffee. I felt completely platonic towards him. I hadn't been on a date since J. I said ok. He was smooth. I was naive. He made me feel special. I realized that there could be life after J. I knew H was moving, so I kept my guard up. I wasn't ready for another loss.
But I was swept off my feet. I didn't know what I was doing. But he sure seemed to,and it felt nice to let someone else take the lead. I practically moved in to his apartment. He drove me to work. to school. he watched football while I did my homework. He made me delicious food. got me hooked on coffee. We talked about life. We talked about what we wanted to do, to become. I actually felt safe.
He was moving.
One night he told me, "Why don't you ask me to stay?"
I laughed. I told him he would resent me.
Then he moved.
We half-heartedly kept in touch. I think he got back with his ex-girlfriend.
I drove myself to school and work. Did my homework in the library. Ordered triple grande nonfat mochas by myself. And let another one go.

Z also worked with me, and quickly became my best friend. He understood me. He was a genuinely good person. Maybe the most genuine I had ever met. I could be me around him. I could snort when i laughed, whine about mundane things. even cry when my printer broke on the night before a huge paper was due. We became quite inseparable. After work we didn't need to even ask what the other was doing. It was assumed we would be doing something. most likely getting cookies and cocoa at a vegan cafe on the same street where J broke my heart.
I thought we were best friends. He had other intentions. When he realized I only wanted friendship, he no longer stuck around. That hurt almost worse then some of my breakups. I lost my best friend. Z doesn't much speak to me these days. mumbles a hello at work. No more late night coffee. No more dinners. No more snorting when I laugh. In all honesty, he was probably perfect for me.


N was a player. Smooth talker like H. He made girls blush, even swoon. But they all knew he said the same thing to every girl. I knew. I kept him at a distance. A little harmless flirting, but nothing more. He drank. he smoked. he partied. he went through girls like water. I kept my distance. Then he decided he would "change his ways." sobered up. We became friends. He told me he liked being sober. I liked him sober too. I let myself believe that this was the real N. If he would just stay clean stay sober, I could give it a go.
We were ridiculously cute. a little nauseating even. and I loved it. sushi dates, bowling, deep conversations. Then slowly he started drinking again. And He was no longer N. I tried to stay. tried to be there for him when he drank too much, when he got too rowdy, when he got depressed. I was losing myself. Too busy trying to fix him to notice that I was falling apart. One day he told me he bought a one way ticket back home to California. he was leaving the next day. I drove to his house. I cried. I knew he wasn't coming back. and he didn't.

Some of them I no longer speak to. Some of them come in and out of my life. Days, weeks, months of time go by, and the phone will ring. I delete numbers and add them again. I forgive as best I can. I let the hurt subside. I appreciate the lessons learned. My views of “love” are constantly changing, morphing after every heartbreak and loss. Love is not a contest. A competition to see how long you can keep someone interested. Love does not require you to change who you are. To become an image of what someone else wants. Love is not sex. Love is not “fixing” someone, taking on their burdens and pains. And forgetting who you are. Love is not one way tickets and unanswered phone calls. Love is not a text message at 3 in the morning. It is none of these things we sometimes believe, and I am not sure what love really is, but I think it feels something like snorting when you laugh.

Doing Thangs!

I forgot that I am determined not to let this blog turn into another sappy version of the livejournal high school days where all of girls would just write about how hard our silly little lives were growing up in middle-class suburbia:) that being said, I though I would chronicle my day that may possibly go down in history as the most boring, lazy, and overall least productive day....

-sleep till 11:00 (when i first got here I was waking up at 7 every day to go jogging. ha)

- eat some baby carrots. (I have been living off of baby carrots, chocolate power bars, and grapefruit for the past few days.)

- prance around in my Huey Lewis T and undies listening to Fugazi...until I come to the conclusion that Kav and Ang's neighbors have probably seen me in my underwear or naked far too many times on this trip.

- take stupid pictures of myself on photobooth

- lay in the backyard and pretend i am at the beach:(...run inside when I see creepy construction workers through the fence.

- call mother and whine a little

- creep the space.

- read read read (Bright Shiny Morning- I'd highly recommend it!)

- make a life plan. hahah. silly me allllwaayyys plannnnning.

- have the best heart to heart with my bff.

- eat a grapefruit!

- Listen to Flaming lips and blog my life away.

Yes, I am quite convinced this may indeed be the least productive, but somehow ok day I have had in a while:) But I must say i am ready to have my car back! I may just have to take little Mimi out on all day drive when i get home just to reconnect! Although the 15 hour rode trip may make me change my mind. Fingers crossed we don't kill each other on the way home:)

Everyday it's getting faster. A love like yours will surely come my way.

I think that we all have those people in our life that are put there because you really just wouldn't be complete until you met them, until you gained insight from them, until you loved them, until you lost them, until you found them again.

I think we are lucky if we find just one of these people in a lifetime- perhaps some have more, and perhaps some never find those people at all. Maybe they are afraid. Afraid to be vulnerable? Afraid to put that much trust, that much of themselves into another person? Or afraid of the pain that might come when that person is no longer in their lives?

Being carless here in sunnny Pasadena has given me the time I have so desperately craved these past few months to just sit quietly in my own thoughts. To look at my current situation, to really dig deep and figure out if i am on the right track, where I want to be going, how I am going to get there, the people I should be surrounding myself with, and perhaps those that I should let go from my life as well.

Life is not black and white. I am learning to grow from the gray areas.

Just an LA girl:)

I thought I would wait until I get back to Colorado to blog about all I have seen, done, and learned on this trip to California, but perhaps it is better to write it now as it sit in the lovely pasadena house on a beautiful afternoon.

California- the people, the city- has been everything I thought it would be and at the same time not a bit what I expected.

This is a place that would challenge me, and you know that is something I can't resist. I feel like living here it is a challenge each day to keep up, survive the rat race, and still maintain your integrity and morals. If I ever do make the move, I will NEVER forgot my roots, the people who shaped me into me, and the values I hold that no one can take from me.

On a relational level, this trip has been amazing as well. I am staying with my stepbrother whom I have never been close to. I guess I always associated him with his mother and her mistakes, but I realize now that he had nothing to do with her actions. He was probably as upset and hurt as we were. And he has been amazing to me, as well as his wife. They have taken me in and along the way we have really gotten to know each other. It's funny how much easier it becomes to let go of grudges as you get older. I guess I am learning that life is full of mistakes that are often painful, but we are all human and that pain is just part of the bargain that is being alive.

Along those line, I have also had an epiphany relating to my dating patterns as of late. I have finally come to see that I am ready for something real. Something that doesn't involve a smooth talker with a pretty face. And when my gut tells me someone is not good for me, I am going to listen. I am not going to try to change someone or try to fix all of their problems, because honestly we can only do that for ourselves. Nope, I am ready for someone real, with a heart I can feel, with love to give that doesn't hurt, with integrity and morals, and an appreciation for life.

So even though I still have 5 days left here, I feel the insight and lessons I am already gaining are tremendous. Now I just have to sit back, and enjoy the california sunshine:)

Paradise.

If it's closure I was looking for, then that is definitely what I am getting.

Not that it still doesn't suck.

It is going to be a long week.

But at least I'm in paradise.

I don't remember this ride going so high last time...

I have loved amusement parks since I was a little kid. Cam was always too scared to go on any of the rides, but I would go on ANY ride...

Went to Elitches today for the first time in a couple years...rode 4 rides (most of them quite tame), puked in a public bathroom, and left...I feel like I lost a piece of my childhood..no more rollercoasters:( or at least not that damn sea dragon.

"I was an awkward little kid."
"I wasn't really, but I am awkward now...in fact I think I get MORE awkward as I get older."
"It's ok I've embraced it."

I felt what life was

I am not opposed. It is what it is. 

For what was probably only a few minutes, I felt it all. Everything that had been pushed under the rug, hidden in the sheets, tucked behind smiles. It hurt like Hell, but I was strangely relieved. 

Is that like on the rocks?

Things I like:
- my bff carol
- seeing old friends
- free iced coffee
- frozen margaritas
-presidente margaritas
- getting drunky drunk at silly old chili's with silly old chilli's coworkers.
- Mexicano musica/thriller/free willy


Things I do not like:
- silly boys
- losing best friends
- missing people I should not miss
- pretending to be ok with things that are NOT ok.

you look really tired.

Sometimes all you need is your best friend, a car, and a nice cryfest.


[Maybe this feeling is called growing up.]

Family

I am sitting at the Columbine house with Cam and Julia. Cam and I are making dinner and we are going to have margaritas on the deck...I am so thankful that we were all able to work everything out, and I am realizing how lucky I am to have my family:) I am actually really looking forward to being able to hang out with these guys a lot more this summer!

Done with finals. Done with school....All I can say is I would like to take my mulligan:)

Summer is here. And I am grateful for more than I can say.

Thanks?

'Your life would be a lot easier if you would just go with the flow."

I hate that you are right. I hate that despite everything,  you are one of the few who know me best. 

And I can't get that conversation out of my head. Maybe I am the cause of my problems? As anyone who knows me can easily attest to, I have a super Type A personality. That combined with my self-consciousness is often a recipe for disaster. Or at least some super awkward situations:)

I am going to work on this. I am going to try to stop caring so damn much about what everyone thinks of me, stop worrying about the possibility of failure, and focus on what truly makes me happy. I remember when you told me that I just need to find what makes me happy, and I think I have lost sight of that search somewhere along the way. But I am going to keep looking, and I am going to try to let go of the silly things that scare me. I am sure I won't make this transition gracefully, but I am going to do it MY way, and it will be just what I need.

Epic Fail

I am may officially be the the worst daughter ever.

When I was younger, I was so good at Mother's Day stuff. I would plan it so far in advance and be so excited to see my mom's face when she saw how hard I tried. but I am afraid this year was a bit of an epic fail. I'll blame it on the long islands last night haha.

This Mother's Day has consisted of me waking up at 4:00 am. hungover. unable to fall back asleep. Driving up to Loveland, and after at least taking my mommy for some mediocre Italian, crashing in my old bed for the rest of the day. oops. Oh well, Cam couldn''t even make it up so I still win best child award. Obviously.

Just have to make it through this week, and I am home free! I am ready for sun, and pools, and baseball, and frozen margaritas, and bike rides. I am easily satisfied.

Quiero.

I just want to get out of this funk.
I want to smile more. Laugh More.
Think of myself less. Think of others more.
Forgive some. Ask for forgiveness from others.
Appreciate this life of mine.

I'm sick so I get to rant.

The past few days have been pretty brutal. I don't get sick too often, but when I do, it really throws me for a loop.

I woke up at 2:00 am a few mornings ago to a text asking me if I was awake. Yes I am awake because my beeping phone just woke me up. Now it's not that I don't like getting text messages super late..in fact there is a certain someone whom I would love to receive a text or call from any time of day or night. But really from you it is a slap in the face. I resent that the only time you suddenly have the urge to hang out is after a late drunken night at the bars or a show. I have really needed a friend lately, and you can't manage to be that for me.

[Funny thing is after you texted me, all I wanted to do was talk to him]

I miss him. a lot. And this has been harder than I thought it would be. I find myself reaching for the phone and then remembering that "space" does not entail a barrage of texts. Self-sabotage is the name of the game.

To top things off- I have not been able to eat or drink much of anything for the past few days, so today I decided I would treat myself to venti chai latte...I managed get out of my pajamas, throw on a hoodie, and semi fix my gross hair and head to the drive-up starbucks. Now, even though I don't really have a voice right now, I figured I could get out those 2 words: venti chai. I even practiced on my way. venti chai venti chai....Long story short those words proved to be too difficult, and I sat at the intercom while the person taking my order kept asking, "what???" and a man outside gardening laughed as he watched me strain in agony all for a silly starbucks drink.

I finally did get my chai though, and it is delicious. maybe things will start looking up:)

Holding my ground

Everything I would say to you would come out wrong anyway.

And I don't play those games.

Birthdays are for the aging.

Just went out for lunch with the family for Cammy Toon's 25th Birthday.
Can't believe my silly brother is such a big kid. He's like a grownup!

Being the amazing sister I am, I opted for a home-made card and created a Crayola masterpiece.

I also included a very heartwarming message for my dear sweet brother face:

"Dear Brother,
Thank you for being my brother. You are old now, and you are not as much fun anymore..but I still love you. You also stink. A lot. But it's ok. I guess.
Love your sister,
Kate"

I thought it turned out well. For some reason my brother and I always resorted to the "you stink" insult when we ran out of everything else, and I guess it has just kinda stuck. I don't know what it says about us that all we could think of was insulting each other's body odor and/or lack of hygiene but it always seemed to be a good way to start a sibling fight.


I bought some new running shoes. This means I have no more excuses not to run. yikes. But before I go running, I think I will gorge myself on Cam's chocolate birthday cake. good idea? I think so.

Attention: This is like really important.

Ahh. I'm blogging. what has the world come to? I guess this is what happens when you are stuck inside during a silly snowstorm and have not managed to get out of your pajamas allll day.

Throughout my journalistic education I have been taught to despise the blog. It lacks formality, fact-checking, and just plain tradition. And I must admit I always agreed. I have always dreamed of being the reporter out there with her pencil and notepad who comes back to the paper and has her work published in an actual newspaper that people will read as they drink their coffee the next morning. But i guess the times really are a changin', and I may as well embrace this new technology...hey at least I'm not "tweeting!"

Don't worry, I will only blog about issues of the utmost importance, topics that affect society and future generations to come...haha just kiddsies! I will write about the silliness that is my life. And all of my readers will love it (i.e me and my mom..and maybe the wiener dog)

First issue of the UTMOST importance: There is a rumor going around that John and Kate of the best show of all time, John and Kate plus 8 are getting DIVORCED! There have been sightings of John acting in a flirtatious manner around young females, and Kate has been left to take care of all those adorable, super hyper Asian babies! I don't know what I will do if this rumor is true! I love Leah and Hannah and Alexis and Joel and Aaden and Collin and even Cara and Maddie as if they were my own. Well ok maybe not as if they were my own cuz I think I would probably accidentally leave some of them at the mall or something cuz 8 babies is toooo many! But still....
I am now left to sit here and let this news sink in...maybe I should go have a John and Kate plus 8 marathon...not that I secretly DVR it or anything.