Hey you, Happy Birthday...and Fuck you.

Not that it is a contest, but if it were, I totally won.
and I am done giving you my pity friendship.
Because frankly, I could care less.

I'm doing a research assignment that involves tracing the origin of my last name.

Elisha is of Hebrew origin meaning, "God is my salvation." I like that.

Let me write.

I wish I could have this feeling forever.
The feeling I get when I finish a piece of Writing.
Even if it just some silly paper for school, it is mine.
My words. captured in time and flowing out on the pages perfectly.
In real life, I am far from elequent. I never seem to get the words that are in my head to come out of my mouth the way I want them to
Instead,I stumble and am completely uncomfortable at the sound of my own voice.
I think faster than the words can come out.

But let me write, and I will WRITE.
And you will know what I want you to know.
Feel what I need you to feel.

Oh please, just let me WRITE.

So I'm home. In case you were wondering. But you probably weren't.

I don't think you get it. Or maybe you just don't care.

I will not be a Brat.

Ugh. Must vent.
Mom and I leave for Vegas tomorrow, and of course I have to get the fucking flu yesterday.

I spent $30 bucks on as much drugs as I could find, and I am drinking Emergen-C by the gallon:(

I have been trying to get this Project for my Health Program Promotion class done since like 8 this morning, and I cannot seem to finish even though it really isn't all that difficult:(

Mom is driving me crazy with trip stuff when I just need to get my hw done and pack!

My dad is moving on Friday...and now he will live like 5 minutes from us:(

and did I mention; I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

At least I get to see my puppies tonight. Their complete adoration always makes me feel better:)

Note to self: do not be a brat and take your frustrations out on mom. She is looking forward to this, and deserves to have a good time. ok!?

I Will Not be a brat. even though I really want to.

See! I'm not weird! There's a theory!!

Sllly VDay was actually quite lovely. We made white chocolate and rasberry mousse crepes from scratch! And they were delicious, I might add:) Then we watched Big Fish, when I proceeded to fall asleep. I know, I know big surprise!

I just finished reading about Relational Dialects, and I was comforted by what I read.

"Bonding occurs in both intedependence with the other and independence from the other. One without the other diminishes the relationship"

"Although most of us embrace the traditional ideals of closenss, certainty, and openess in our relationshp, we are also drawn toward the exact opposite- autonomy, novelty, and privacy....The nature of [these] dialectical pressures guarantees that or relationships will be complex, messy, and always somewhat on edge."

"Baxter describes dialogue as an aesthetic accomplishment, 'a momentary sense of unity through a profound respect for the disparate voices in dialogue.'...It's a fleeting moment that can't be sustained. Yet, memories of that magic moment can support a couple through the turbulence that goes with the territory of sny close relationship."

This communicative theory gives me a new understanding of myself and others, and as it says in the book, "The theory helps [one] realize that the ongoing tensions they experience with their friend, family members, or romantic partner are an inevitable part of relational life, rather than a waning sign that something is terribly wrong with their partner or themselves."

So, uh thanks Lesli Baxter and Barbara Montgomey for creating this theaory and helping me feel like less of an ice queen, social weirdo, incapable of love:)

Yeah Yeah It's gonna happen

The Bitch is Back.

Ugh. I thought she was out of our lives. But stupid Facebook says otherwise.
My father and his mistress are like two higschool kids. And now that we have all admitted to him that we actually never liked her at all...she's back. Ha.

Well father, I hope you two can fall back into your routine of drinking copius amounts of wine, smoking pot, and adding to your mountains of debt by showering yourselves with gifts and vacations.

Thanks for setting such a great example. Fortunately, I have never looked up to you in the first place.

"Race is a social consruct."

Go to birthday party with lots of people or Stay in my bed and read? Tough Decision...not...sweatpants are on. book in hand. Ready for the best night ever.

Things I am excited/happy/grateful for/about:
- Saul Williams appearance today was absolutely inspiring, and made me want to start writing again/more

- 1 week from today, the mama and I take over Vegas:)I will be satisfied to just eat In-n-Out the entire time

- School is splendid.

- Going to see the Avett Brothers in April

- Got all my former profs to support my petition..and they were really kind and helpful

- In the process of some house-keeping of my life...was honest with a boy and didn't lose his friendship

- sent mama and john john some pretty epic valentines

Yea life is kinda good. kinda great.

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Eureka

Wow. I was a brat yesterday. But I don't think I have been this annoyed in a while. It's awful, I know but sheesh...

FIRST of all, is "too," and not "to" Difficult concept, I know. Let me enlighten you, my friend:

Too means "also" and is generally used at the end of a sentence. "Too" also indicates too much of a particular quality.

To is generally used as a preposition. It is also used as part of the infinitive form of verbs.

NEXT, if the only thing, "stressin you out" is that your stupid ankle hurts, and you can't ride your silly skateboard, then you don't know what stress is.

ALSO...Just because I happen to still have a liscence and *gasp* a car (maybe this is because I am not an idiot and haven't gotten a DUI) does NOT mean I will drive you around. You got yourself in to this situation, so you better start sucking up to the bus driver.

FINALLY. If "Drinks and cigarettes" are the only things that ease your troubles, then you have serius problems. FYI I will not kiss an ash tray, and maybe if you didn't spend what little money you have on booze and cancer sticks, you wouldn't always be broke. Eureka, right?!

Perhaps I am taking out too much out on you. You see, you represent the fact that I have dated some real losers (with the exception of a couple)over the past year and half. Maybe the person I should be yelling at is me. Whatever the case, I am finally seeing clearly, and I am FINALLY done with that embarrassing, but neccessary "bad boy, I misuse to and too, have no future," phase.

THANK GOODNESS.

Period.

"You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing & dance, & write poems & suffer & understand, for all that is life."

- J. Krishnamurti

This weekend was one of the best I have had in a long time. Such a good time with Cam and Julia and Patrick. Drinking at Irish Snug, plenty of drunken wii, bowling, eating and more eating, first time watching silly sooper troopers, oh and falling in love with a Canadian:)

Just my luck that the perfect boy for me happens to live across the border:( But hey, that didn't stop Cam and Julia...hahaha.

I guess despite being the perfect boy, Patrick also opened my eyes and made me remember how important certain things are to me. I might sound like a snob, but education is really very important to me. I just don't know if I could connect on all the levels I would like to with someone who is not educated. I do value "street smarts" and the like, but there is nothing like having a stimulating, intelligent conersation with someone who pushes you to think and grow.

Also- smoking is disgusting. and childish. And I am done pretending that it doesn't bother me. Because it does.

So until I find my Patrick, I am going to throw myself into the things that make me happy- school, family, friends. And I am not goin to lower my standards any more.

period