Haha. Marie, the 8-year-old I nanny, got in a fight with her parents tonight and was sent to her room. When I went up to check on her, she had packed up most of the contents of her room into a suitcase and said she was running away. I tried not to giggle as I explained to her she wasn't allowed to run away to the Leyden's house like she wanted to...I did tell her we could have girl time anytime she needed me. So if I get a call from a distressed second grader, I know who it is:)

I wish I could have my skinny legs back..without the whole starving bit.
Actually I wish I didn't like food so much.
Or maybe I wish I didn't care so much.

Rich people and their lives are very...tiring.
I am afraid I have been spending a bit too much time envying lately.ew.

In case you needed a reminder tonight was it. I'm a jerk. I tell you I will hang out, then crawl in to bed and turn the lights off. The truth is I am apathetic. I just don't care, and I am waiting for someone who makes me care.

I smell summer

Bit of a rough couple weeks. School is crazy. Work is crazy. Life is crazy.
Car needs a grand of fixing- Damnit Mimi why you gotta keep breaking on me?!
Someone stole my wallet last night because and was drunk and dumb and forgot it. (Not even saying where...ever) It's not even so much that I have to cancel my card and go to the DMV- it actually isn't that big of a deal. It's just that gut wrenching feeling you get when you hear that your card's been used. I always try so hard to see the good in people, and it just bums me out when people so often prove me wrong...why does no one do the right thing anymore? come on people.

Well I know I can handle this. I am blessed to have a family that cares so much about me ad is helping with everything. Back then something like this would have been too much for me too handle, would have thrown me into a spiral. But not now. Now that I am balanced. Happy. Now that I remember that God's always there. Life is a lot less scary with Him around. plain and simple. So instead of retreating or feeling defeated I will meet this challenge life has thrown at me head on. I'll pray for the strength and I will make it.

So finals, get ready to be made my bitch.
Person who stole my wallet, I will pray for you.
Kate, get ready to work your booty off to pay for Mimi's sickness

It's gonna be ok. Summer is almost here, and I am getting a dog friend.

Kiddos

Geeze I love those kids.
I was having a horrible day, feeling sick and generally frumpy.
Got to my kiddo's house. Had some time alone with Annie and got to talk sports sports sports. That girl is awesome at every sport, and I LOVE what a tom boy she is!
Then Jimmy man had a slight meltdown because he wanted to play wii, and because he didn't want to eat his bannana (Completely understandable right?!) He was so grumpy so I just picked hi up and tickled him till he was happy, then he got a tubby- his favortie thing ever.

ok, yes I realize no one but me cares about any of this but it just amazes me how much I love them. Granted I know it's easy to love them when I don't have to deal with whiny kids all day, but even when they are whiny or so something wrong, I can't stop loving them. Eek I can't wait to have kids. Ok edit that. I want a good job, my best man friend/love, and I want to be able to give my kiddos the world first. Dog first. Human later.

Yes, I still want to be a powerful journalist. Yes I want to be extremely educated and succesful. But I now also want to be mommy. I want to love someone else more than I could ever love myself, more than I ever thought possible.
Someday I hope to understand the way my mother feels.

Either you are an idiot, or I don't know how to effectively execute a booty call.
Ha. Bad idea anyway.

I am going to ask the landlord if I can get a dog. I am so nervous I want to throw up. I am so ready for a furry friend.

I want to find MY happy.
I want to run.

It's all false love and affection.

You don't want me, you just want the attention.

Life is busy, and hard, and honestly I'm worn out.
I think that's why I play with the idea of you.

Honestly, I know it wouldn't work. Couldn't work. But you know me. No, you knew me. And I just want to sleep in your bed again.

Uncool

Yes, part of me wants to be "cool" again. To do the things I know you like to do. To be just like you. and you.

But I'm too set on this. I like this person I see in the mirror. Now that I know what's out there, it's hard to go back and settle for that life.

So for now, the assurance that I am moving forward, while you are standing still is enough for me to deal with being "uncool."

"Who put such a high premium on being typical?"

When I walk Scouty, and we walk by a stranger, she gets so excited and runs up to them like she has never been so happy to see someone before.

I think people should be more like Scouty the dog.

Today I will love someone who does not deserve it.

Life Update.

Midterms are done, and I am quite exhausted. But I think I did very well so that makes up for the late nights and early mornings:)

So lately I have realized how much I thrive off of professors' praise. I love writing, and I know I am good at it. I pretend to be modest about it, but the truth is, I absolutely love when my paper is used for an example in class, or when my prof asks me to help someone else in class.

I don't have any specific plan for the future, but I know that I want to incorporate education in my life for as long as I can. I am already dreaming of Grad School, and then who knows...It is is all just so terribly exciting!

Nannying is going wonderfully too. And the extra money is a nice perk too:) I love the kiddos, and as much as I love my ultra feminist heart, I must admit that I do enjoy nurturing my maternal side:) I love tucking the kids into bed, reading them stories, and getting those great big hugs. The house I nanny at is absolute gorgeous, and I love cleaning the fabulous kitchen, and secretly pretending that it's mine:) My profesor (who I nanny for) is a great professional and personal contact. I really look up to her, and I am excited for her avdvice and guidance in my future career endeavors. She also is astoundingly fit, and I've been telling her to help me train for a marathon like she does.

Boy situation is..uncertain...but honestly it's just not a huge priority right now. I have convined myself that someday I will look back on this silliness and laugh because it will finally all make sense, and I will be with the one who makes sense.

Dating you know who is kinda like dating a rock....a really nice rock...but I want a real person. He is just so...easy. He is there when I want, gone when I want. We don't talk often. He is kinda just...there. I mean this situation is a lot better than dating some big party boy who puts me under his silly spell and makes me forget about school, but sometime I just wish this one showed more heart.

On another note. I miss my mom. Vegas was a month ago, and I desperately just want one night of hanging out in the living room with the doggies all around, gossiping about boys and baking cookies. I am going to make it happen this week. I am so lucky to have that place I can go when I just need a little boost. I just need a little visit HOME.

Ok, life update complete. I am happy. I am balanced. I am grateful.

First of many cups of coffee tonight.

Midterms tomorrow.
I love school. Like a lot.

Prioritizing.

Ok ok so my birthday actually turned out to be quite lovely. I was having a freak out moment, but I recovered...AND my 22nd birthday marks the first one in history that I did not break down into tears! Woohoo! Well, actually I did cry, but only tears of laughter. A girl wearing ridiculous boots completely ate it at the restaurant, and Zach and I could not contain ourselves. At first we just glanced at eachother and giggled, but soon I was crying from laughter and Zach was doing his dorky laugh he does where he gasps for air!

In other news- this whole 2 jobs and kicking butt in school is going to be a little harder than I imagined. Ijust hope I don't have a Kate meltdown:) I can do this. I think.

Mom will be here in an hour. I miss here. I miss home. I am in desperate need of a visit.

Ok off to study. Midterms please be over.

Oh yeah and operation lose 8 lbs starts today. So here are the things I need to balane in my life:

- School
- Studying
- Urban
- Nannying
- work out schedule
- Silly extreme kate diet. ugh.
- friends
- boy?
- family
- sleeeep.

(Not in priority order)

Ok. I can dooooo thissss. eeek.

Dear Birthday,
Please be over.
Kate.

I am not angsty enough to produce passionate writing anymore. It seems like my best writing comes when I am in dark places. But these days I am happy. I just want to write about puppies and raninbows and butterflies. ok so maybe not thaaaat happy. But still, life is good. After that dark place, I think my standards for happiness may have lowered. And that is a good thing. Life doesn't always have to be perfect in order to be happy. These days I can wake up, be excited for the day, see my wonderful friends, feel the sunshine on my face, and smile. Because I am happy. But you already knew this.

So here is some good writing. from my real journal. from long ago.

You make me ache

I am always aching.
When I sleep, when I wake
When I take a single breath
You make me ache.

For your face. Your eyes. Your hands.
For that dark room, those cool sheets, and
two pairs of cold, bare feet.
You make me ache.

For that look. That quiet caress.
The passionate screams just underneath the silence.
Those moments that define our being.
I ache.

Your voice with its boyish twang
That resonates with tales of growing up
Those eyes that see the world in all
its glory and also at its darkest
I ache for you.

So whisper those words to me once more
So I can wear them like an invisible crown
Let me feel you against my skin
So I may remember that this is real
And I will ache.

[Pretty good for some really awkward, awful first time sex. Everything the first time should be]

Some people say, when you're only 17 you can't really be in love.
But sometimse I think that's the only time you can be in love.

Please

I don't think I get to be jealous when I am the one who pushes everyone away.
(But sometimes, just sometimes, I still am.)

It is childish, this I know. But it's a hard pill to swallow. I'm really replaceable? (Of course I am.)

I know it might be asking a lot, but could you please just pine over me like you used to? Could you only think of me and not other girls? Could you still think that I am the catch you want? Not her but me?

Yes, yes, I know I am foolish. But a girl can wish right:)

Gonna love you with my life.

When I made up my mind, and my heart along with that to live not for myself , but yet for God, somebody said, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

When I finally ironed out all of my priorities and asked God to remove the doubt that makes me so unsure of these things I ask myself, Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into you, because you got to me in a way words can't describe.
I'm getting in you, because I've got to be- you're essential to survive.
I'm gonna love you with my life.


I've been a liar and I'll never amount to the kind of person you deserve to worship you. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

The amount of effort it is taking me right not to not take off this dress and my tights, put on my pajamas, and curl up in bed with my Media Law book is quite astounding...

I should go out..right? I mean, I want to go out...or I did at 2:00 this afternoon when I was sitting in school...

"Are you going to Noah's bday thing?" "Uhhh...."
Actually, I don't even talk to that silly anymore, and I am quite happy about that...

"The truth is...I can't be with you...right now." ahahaha. How I Met your Mother said it best.

Got a call from the J. Don't you know that Fuck off means Fuck off?

I am sleepy...

Hey you, Happy Birthday...and Fuck you.

Not that it is a contest, but if it were, I totally won.
and I am done giving you my pity friendship.
Because frankly, I could care less.

I'm doing a research assignment that involves tracing the origin of my last name.

Elisha is of Hebrew origin meaning, "God is my salvation." I like that.

Let me write.

I wish I could have this feeling forever.
The feeling I get when I finish a piece of Writing.
Even if it just some silly paper for school, it is mine.
My words. captured in time and flowing out on the pages perfectly.
In real life, I am far from elequent. I never seem to get the words that are in my head to come out of my mouth the way I want them to
Instead,I stumble and am completely uncomfortable at the sound of my own voice.
I think faster than the words can come out.

But let me write, and I will WRITE.
And you will know what I want you to know.
Feel what I need you to feel.

Oh please, just let me WRITE.

So I'm home. In case you were wondering. But you probably weren't.

I don't think you get it. Or maybe you just don't care.

I will not be a Brat.

Ugh. Must vent.
Mom and I leave for Vegas tomorrow, and of course I have to get the fucking flu yesterday.

I spent $30 bucks on as much drugs as I could find, and I am drinking Emergen-C by the gallon:(

I have been trying to get this Project for my Health Program Promotion class done since like 8 this morning, and I cannot seem to finish even though it really isn't all that difficult:(

Mom is driving me crazy with trip stuff when I just need to get my hw done and pack!

My dad is moving on Friday...and now he will live like 5 minutes from us:(

and did I mention; I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

At least I get to see my puppies tonight. Their complete adoration always makes me feel better:)

Note to self: do not be a brat and take your frustrations out on mom. She is looking forward to this, and deserves to have a good time. ok!?

I Will Not be a brat. even though I really want to.

See! I'm not weird! There's a theory!!

Sllly VDay was actually quite lovely. We made white chocolate and rasberry mousse crepes from scratch! And they were delicious, I might add:) Then we watched Big Fish, when I proceeded to fall asleep. I know, I know big surprise!

I just finished reading about Relational Dialects, and I was comforted by what I read.

"Bonding occurs in both intedependence with the other and independence from the other. One without the other diminishes the relationship"

"Although most of us embrace the traditional ideals of closenss, certainty, and openess in our relationshp, we are also drawn toward the exact opposite- autonomy, novelty, and privacy....The nature of [these] dialectical pressures guarantees that or relationships will be complex, messy, and always somewhat on edge."

"Baxter describes dialogue as an aesthetic accomplishment, 'a momentary sense of unity through a profound respect for the disparate voices in dialogue.'...It's a fleeting moment that can't be sustained. Yet, memories of that magic moment can support a couple through the turbulence that goes with the territory of sny close relationship."

This communicative theory gives me a new understanding of myself and others, and as it says in the book, "The theory helps [one] realize that the ongoing tensions they experience with their friend, family members, or romantic partner are an inevitable part of relational life, rather than a waning sign that something is terribly wrong with their partner or themselves."

So, uh thanks Lesli Baxter and Barbara Montgomey for creating this theaory and helping me feel like less of an ice queen, social weirdo, incapable of love:)

Yeah Yeah It's gonna happen

The Bitch is Back.

Ugh. I thought she was out of our lives. But stupid Facebook says otherwise.
My father and his mistress are like two higschool kids. And now that we have all admitted to him that we actually never liked her at all...she's back. Ha.

Well father, I hope you two can fall back into your routine of drinking copius amounts of wine, smoking pot, and adding to your mountains of debt by showering yourselves with gifts and vacations.

Thanks for setting such a great example. Fortunately, I have never looked up to you in the first place.

"Race is a social consruct."

Go to birthday party with lots of people or Stay in my bed and read? Tough Decision...not...sweatpants are on. book in hand. Ready for the best night ever.

Things I am excited/happy/grateful for/about:
- Saul Williams appearance today was absolutely inspiring, and made me want to start writing again/more

- 1 week from today, the mama and I take over Vegas:)I will be satisfied to just eat In-n-Out the entire time

- School is splendid.

- Going to see the Avett Brothers in April

- Got all my former profs to support my petition..and they were really kind and helpful

- In the process of some house-keeping of my life...was honest with a boy and didn't lose his friendship

- sent mama and john john some pretty epic valentines

Yea life is kinda good. kinda great.

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Eureka

Wow. I was a brat yesterday. But I don't think I have been this annoyed in a while. It's awful, I know but sheesh...

FIRST of all, is "too," and not "to" Difficult concept, I know. Let me enlighten you, my friend:

Too means "also" and is generally used at the end of a sentence. "Too" also indicates too much of a particular quality.

To is generally used as a preposition. It is also used as part of the infinitive form of verbs.

NEXT, if the only thing, "stressin you out" is that your stupid ankle hurts, and you can't ride your silly skateboard, then you don't know what stress is.

ALSO...Just because I happen to still have a liscence and *gasp* a car (maybe this is because I am not an idiot and haven't gotten a DUI) does NOT mean I will drive you around. You got yourself in to this situation, so you better start sucking up to the bus driver.

FINALLY. If "Drinks and cigarettes" are the only things that ease your troubles, then you have serius problems. FYI I will not kiss an ash tray, and maybe if you didn't spend what little money you have on booze and cancer sticks, you wouldn't always be broke. Eureka, right?!

Perhaps I am taking out too much out on you. You see, you represent the fact that I have dated some real losers (with the exception of a couple)over the past year and half. Maybe the person I should be yelling at is me. Whatever the case, I am finally seeing clearly, and I am FINALLY done with that embarrassing, but neccessary "bad boy, I misuse to and too, have no future," phase.

THANK GOODNESS.

Period.

"You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing & dance, & write poems & suffer & understand, for all that is life."

- J. Krishnamurti

This weekend was one of the best I have had in a long time. Such a good time with Cam and Julia and Patrick. Drinking at Irish Snug, plenty of drunken wii, bowling, eating and more eating, first time watching silly sooper troopers, oh and falling in love with a Canadian:)

Just my luck that the perfect boy for me happens to live across the border:( But hey, that didn't stop Cam and Julia...hahaha.

I guess despite being the perfect boy, Patrick also opened my eyes and made me remember how important certain things are to me. I might sound like a snob, but education is really very important to me. I just don't know if I could connect on all the levels I would like to with someone who is not educated. I do value "street smarts" and the like, but there is nothing like having a stimulating, intelligent conersation with someone who pushes you to think and grow.

Also- smoking is disgusting. and childish. And I am done pretending that it doesn't bother me. Because it does.

So until I find my Patrick, I am going to throw myself into the things that make me happy- school, family, friends. And I am not goin to lower my standards any more.

period

ugh. like seriously. infatuated.

Cam and Patrick are playing silly video games and julia and I are drinking coffee laughing at them.

I am officially utterly infatuated with Patrick.
Maybe he will fall in love me...then I will finish school here, and he will finish law school, and then I will move to Calgary and be a journalist and he will be the next premier of Canada, and we will hav cute litle Canadian babies and live happily ever after.

My dad found out that I basically failed last semester, and by basically I mean totally and completely. My only hope is that he can sympathize. He knows what depression can do to a person.
That most days I couldn't even get myself out of bed and dressed let along go out in the real world to school. On those rare days I would make it to campus, I usually found myself in a bathroom stall of North Classroom sobbing, unable to get through another day of faking it.

But now that I am on the other side and back to being me, I am finding that I have never enjoyed school as much as I do this semester. I am not taking my education for granted and I am realizing what a privilege it is for me to even have access to higher education. I am back to the big nerd I once was, and I absolutely love it.

I am taking a class called Health Promotion Programs, and we have an assigment where we are asked to choose a topic of public health and create a program to adress the issues conerning it, universally. I chose mental health, and I am thouroughly excited to explore the issues surrounding depression among the US population. I feel that is has been given suh a stigma, and that people never rally discuss it. I also feel that a lot of people are afraid or oppossed to anit-depressants, and I can honsetly say that they have changed my life- or rather given me back my life. I definitely support therapy as well, but I wish more people could understand that it truly is a chemical disorder.

Yes, in all aspects this semester is going so well. Now I just need to figure out my social life and I will be all set:)

I want it all

I want to be your love
I want to make you cry
And sweep you off your feet

I want to hurt your pride
I want to slap your face
I want to paint your nails
I want to make you scream
I want to braid your hair
I want to kiss your friends
I want to make you laugh
I want to dress the same
I want to defend you
I want to squeeze your thighs
I want to kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams

I want to crash your car
I want to scratch your cheeks
I want to make you sick
I want to sell you out
Want to expose your flaws

I want to steal your things
I want to show you off
I want to tell you lies
I want to write you books
I want to turn you on
I want to make you come
200 times a day

I want to dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I want to be what's happening
I want to be your only friend
I only go all the way

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
Until for eternity
I want to be your what's happening
What's happening

"I think I have '500 Days of Summmer-ed' some boys. Except shorter. More like 50 days of Kate."

Ha.

Happiness. Do you know what I mean?

It is official. Happy Kate is back. Back to my positive to the point of naivety self. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

My momma was right. The best way to feel true happiness is to do something for others. As cheesy as it sounds, simply striving to go out of my way each day to bring happiness to others makes me feel better than I could ever imagine.

Optimist's Creed.

Promise Yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a
cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

East Coast and counting

I like that crooked smile.
and the way you slip your hand in mine.
It reminds me that despite all the girls that rush up to you all the time, you want to hold MY hand. and I like that.

I still find myself thinking of you sometimes. Wondering how the tour is going. Who you are meeting, if you are happy. If I might get to see you when you get back.
Perhaps I should let it go. Probably I should. And maybe I can.
I think It scares me how much I actually do care about you. It's different with you Maybe there is no hand holding or kisses, but I want to know you from the inside out, sometimes I think that is closer to the love I want than any of this craziness I keep getting myself in to.

I am not sure of much anything anymore. But I have given up my control, and that feels good.

I hope your vans keep your toes warm
I hope you meet people you'll never forget.
I hope you see places that will change you.

So this is the New Year

A lot sure happens in 365 days.


2009 realizations:
- candle wax down the sink drain can do a lot of damage
- sometimes boys make girls do mean things to other girls
- I no longer hate cats...I may even love them.
- I may have a slight weakness for skateboarders. Throw in nice fitting beanie, and I'm done for
- Dating boys you would never marry means you may not be ready a real relationship
- My mother is always going to be my best friend
- My father is always going to be a stranger
- My brother loves me unconditionally. And I couldn't love him more either.
- Clorox ruins lives. and clothes. and carpets.
- Driving stick shift is harder than it looks
- If a boy's father is an asshole, chances are he may be an asshole too.
- Taylor Swift Dance parties are ok in my book.
- Sometimes, you just can't go back
- not eating= not worth it
- depression is real. and no fun
- family holds me up when I can't
- People are good. or at least have the capabilility to be good.
- When life beats you up, put on your pajamas, eat some chocolate, and call your mom:) See, it's not so bad:)

2010 is going to be good.