ugh. like seriously. infatuated.

Cam and Patrick are playing silly video games and julia and I are drinking coffee laughing at them.

I am officially utterly infatuated with Patrick.
Maybe he will fall in love me...then I will finish school here, and he will finish law school, and then I will move to Calgary and be a journalist and he will be the next premier of Canada, and we will hav cute litle Canadian babies and live happily ever after.

My dad found out that I basically failed last semester, and by basically I mean totally and completely. My only hope is that he can sympathize. He knows what depression can do to a person.
That most days I couldn't even get myself out of bed and dressed let along go out in the real world to school. On those rare days I would make it to campus, I usually found myself in a bathroom stall of North Classroom sobbing, unable to get through another day of faking it.

But now that I am on the other side and back to being me, I am finding that I have never enjoyed school as much as I do this semester. I am not taking my education for granted and I am realizing what a privilege it is for me to even have access to higher education. I am back to the big nerd I once was, and I absolutely love it.

I am taking a class called Health Promotion Programs, and we have an assigment where we are asked to choose a topic of public health and create a program to adress the issues conerning it, universally. I chose mental health, and I am thouroughly excited to explore the issues surrounding depression among the US population. I feel that is has been given suh a stigma, and that people never rally discuss it. I also feel that a lot of people are afraid or oppossed to anit-depressants, and I can honsetly say that they have changed my life- or rather given me back my life. I definitely support therapy as well, but I wish more people could understand that it truly is a chemical disorder.

Yes, in all aspects this semester is going so well. Now I just need to figure out my social life and I will be all set:)

I want it all

I want to be your love
I want to make you cry
And sweep you off your feet

I want to hurt your pride
I want to slap your face
I want to paint your nails
I want to make you scream
I want to braid your hair
I want to kiss your friends
I want to make you laugh
I want to dress the same
I want to defend you
I want to squeeze your thighs
I want to kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams

I want to crash your car
I want to scratch your cheeks
I want to make you sick
I want to sell you out
Want to expose your flaws

I want to steal your things
I want to show you off
I want to tell you lies
I want to write you books
I want to turn you on
I want to make you come
200 times a day

I want to dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I want to be what's happening
I want to be your only friend
I only go all the way

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
Until for eternity
I want to be your what's happening
What's happening

"I think I have '500 Days of Summmer-ed' some boys. Except shorter. More like 50 days of Kate."

Ha.

Happiness. Do you know what I mean?

It is official. Happy Kate is back. Back to my positive to the point of naivety self. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

My momma was right. The best way to feel true happiness is to do something for others. As cheesy as it sounds, simply striving to go out of my way each day to bring happiness to others makes me feel better than I could ever imagine.

Optimist's Creed.

Promise Yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a
cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

East Coast and counting

I like that crooked smile.
and the way you slip your hand in mine.
It reminds me that despite all the girls that rush up to you all the time, you want to hold MY hand. and I like that.

I still find myself thinking of you sometimes. Wondering how the tour is going. Who you are meeting, if you are happy. If I might get to see you when you get back.
Perhaps I should let it go. Probably I should. And maybe I can.
I think It scares me how much I actually do care about you. It's different with you Maybe there is no hand holding or kisses, but I want to know you from the inside out, sometimes I think that is closer to the love I want than any of this craziness I keep getting myself in to.

I am not sure of much anything anymore. But I have given up my control, and that feels good.

I hope your vans keep your toes warm
I hope you meet people you'll never forget.
I hope you see places that will change you.

So this is the New Year

A lot sure happens in 365 days.


2009 realizations:
- candle wax down the sink drain can do a lot of damage
- sometimes boys make girls do mean things to other girls
- I no longer hate cats...I may even love them.
- I may have a slight weakness for skateboarders. Throw in nice fitting beanie, and I'm done for
- Dating boys you would never marry means you may not be ready a real relationship
- My mother is always going to be my best friend
- My father is always going to be a stranger
- My brother loves me unconditionally. And I couldn't love him more either.
- Clorox ruins lives. and clothes. and carpets.
- Driving stick shift is harder than it looks
- If a boy's father is an asshole, chances are he may be an asshole too.
- Taylor Swift Dance parties are ok in my book.
- Sometimes, you just can't go back
- not eating= not worth it
- depression is real. and no fun
- family holds me up when I can't
- People are good. or at least have the capabilility to be good.
- When life beats you up, put on your pajamas, eat some chocolate, and call your mom:) See, it's not so bad:)

2010 is going to be good.